I give myself permission to be a person.
Today I am supposed to write a confession. I am supposed to raw and real and laid bare.
Today I confess that I am a loose cannon at home with an incredibly short fuse. I confess that I have not treated my husband the way I am supposed to. I confess that I am a selfish person and I hate that about myself.
I didn’t take D’s wishes into consideration when I bought Wimbledon—I thought he’d grow to love it, to appreciate having a home instead of just a stupid, dirty apartment in a low-income area. I was thinking of K (who had not yet been born) as well. As a mommy-to-be, I knew best and I forced it down D’s throat. Then I got upset when he didn’t want to help out around the house as much.
I confess that I got angry and upset more often than was necessary. I confess that I allowed creeping doubts and irritations to take root in my heart and fester there. I confess that it turned my tongue ugly and drove away my smile and my joy. I confess that I have been sharp and occasionally downright mean to my husband.
I confess that I don’t want to work anymore because I feel like I’ve done enough. I hate starting over. I hate orientation and learning new methods. I confess that I cannot imagine a job where I would be happy unless it involved working from home while I watched K. [ I confess that I am a hypocrite; because that is one thing I faulted my MIL for—working from home to watch her kids at a much-decreased rate of pay. She couldn’t provide for them properly. Her house was not run like my house was, and that made it a Bad Place. ]
I confess that I have a negative attitude and that has been something that has always been a sour part of me. I can remember being a child and my parents telling me that my attitude was bad and I needed to get it in gear. I never understood how to do that. What, just pick something good about a situation and focus on that? What about the 1200 other shitty parts to this deal? How is one good thing supposed to overcome the 1200?
I confess that I have two faces and that I have a dense guard up, even around people I love sometimes. I can’t pinpoint why that is.
I confess that I want to gather up my son and run away sometimes and never come back. I confess that I have regrets, but that those regrets will only be actualized if D does what he might do in the next few weeks.
I confess that I am extremely emotional. I feel very, very deeply and that is why I am bad in business because everything is personal to me. I am easily discouraged. I am worried about the opinions and support of others. I hate the way things go sometimes but I feel powerless to change it because I don’t want to stand up for what I believe in…it might push people away from me.
Like so many others, I don’t want to be alone. That seems to be where my life is heading, unfortunately. I have cried buckets in the last few days because I am a miserable, completely broken human person.
And that sucks.