FF #14 – 15 min – Confession

I give myself permission to be a person.

Today I am supposed to write a confession.  I am supposed to raw and real and laid bare.

Today I confess that I am a loose cannon at home with an incredibly short fuse.   I confess that I have not treated my husband the way I am supposed to.  I confess that I am a selfish person and I hate that about myself.

I didn’t take D’s wishes into consideration when I bought Wimbledon—I thought he’d grow to love it, to appreciate having a home instead of just a stupid, dirty apartment in a low-income area.  I was thinking of K (who had not yet been born) as well.  As a mommy-to-be, I knew best and I forced it down D’s throat.  Then I got upset when he didn’t want to help out around the house as much.

I confess that I got angry and upset more often than was necessary.  I confess that I allowed creeping doubts and irritations to take root in my heart and fester there.  I confess that it turned my tongue ugly and drove away my smile and my joy.  I confess that I have been sharp and occasionally downright mean to my husband.

I confess that I don’t want to work anymore because I feel like I’ve done enough.  I hate starting over.  I hate orientation and learning new methods.  I confess that I cannot imagine a job where I would be happy unless it involved working from home while I watched K.  [ I confess that I am a hypocrite; because that is one thing I faulted my MIL for—working from home to watch her kids at a much-decreased rate of pay.  She couldn’t provide for them properly.  Her house was not run like my house was, and that made it a Bad Place. ]

I confess that I have a negative attitude and that has been something that has always been a sour part of me.  I can remember being a child and my parents telling me that my attitude was bad and I needed to get it in gear.  I never understood how to do that.  What, just pick something good about a situation and focus on that?  What about the 1200 other shitty parts to this deal?  How is one good thing supposed to overcome the 1200?

I confess that I have two faces and that I have a dense guard up, even around people I love sometimes.  I can’t pinpoint why that is.

I confess that I want to gather up my son and run away sometimes and never come back.  I confess that I have regrets, but that those regrets will only be actualized if D does what he might do in the next few weeks.

I confess that I am extremely emotional.  I feel very, very deeply and that is why I am bad in business because everything is personal to me.  I am easily discouraged. I am worried about the opinions and support of others.  I hate the way things go sometimes but I feel powerless to change it because I don’t want to stand up for what I believe in…it might push people away from me.

Like so many others, I don’t want to be alone.  That seems to be where my life is heading, unfortunately.  I have cried buckets in the last few days because I am a miserable, completely broken human person.

And that sucks.

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One response to this post.

  1. LOVE this…. if it’s honest, and I have no reason to believe it’s not, It’s honest, raw, real, and I love it. Kudos. Very brave of you. Even just to right it down and get it all out there. You could be me. I could be you. I relate entirely.

    Reply

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